Self Worth, Intuition and Stalking

Greetings. It has been too long since my last post. The last few months have been challenging which explains my absence yet writing would have been therapeutic. Nothing is without purpose. Given this lapse in time, I have the luxury of looking back not only on these recent months but also over an 18 month period.

In line with the theme of my blog, it is not uncommon for survivors of sexual abuse to have low self worth. I am no exception. Granted it has greatly improved of the last few decades. Depending on life situations I have moments where I am not the most confident. Given my history of depression this can exacerbate my dark moments.

Eighteen months ago my home went into foreclosure, I had a bankruptcy, fractured my arm, my dog died and I moved after being in my home for a decade.  I didn’t realize at the time how much I was hurting emotionally since I was so caught up with my transition. A man, who I will call Brandon, came into my life. I met him through a spiritual group that we both belonged to on social media. When we met there were some men I dated over the previous years who were contacting me, not really worthy of my heart. I had prayed for someone worthy of me and Brandon appeared. I thought it was Divine timing.

Brandon wrote me poems, appeared to treat me with respect, matched my intelligence, honored who I was and believed in following a romantic courtship which seemed to be missing in the men I had been meeting. Given he lived out of state I didn’t have the benefit of getting to know him face to face, relying on Skype and phone calls as well as messaging through social media.

Looking back I realize I ignored my intuition from the moment I met him, He would say the right words yet unable to follow-up on on his promises and commitments. He appeared to have a very serious problem with lying. In fact by the time I broke it off I could not discern what were the lies and truth or possibly I didn’t want to believe I allowed someone into my life who could lie to such an extent.

I could never understand how he fell in love with me before meeting me, telling me when he saw my picture on social media he knew he loved me. There was always something that seemed “not right” and I kept ignoring all of the red flags and my friends telling me to stay away from him. I thought maybe he was more spiritually advanced and knew something I didn’t.

Then when I told him I didn’t want to see him the behavior became bizarre and frightening. Following me, hiding behind trees to watch me, looking in my yard, standing outside my bathroom window. When I would ask him what he was doing after catching him he told me, “I am protecting you or praying for you.” Well the protection I needed was from him and he never took responsibility for his actions. He would write me these long obsessive emails saying we needed to be together, I was meant to be his wife and we should have a family. I tried to ignore him over and over or send him a brief email telling him to please leave me alone. He would not listen.

Finally I called the police after he followed me one night and I saw him outside my window yet again. He had been watching me earlier while I was out to dinner with a male friend and said, “That should have been us together.” His behavior that night and after the police came to talk to me resulted in him going to jail. Now I have a restraining order and he is on probation. Despite the consequences for his behavior he has continued to follow me and watch me. I have gone to the police twice since then. There must be some pathology in his mind. I don’t understand and will not try to begin.

Looking back on my time with Brandon I see it was a very dark period for me. I had changed much and still am not the same person I was before. He believed he was meant to heal me, especially from my past. He could not be more wrong. Once I decided I could not be in relationship with him I felt a darkness leave me.

His behavior reminds me of my stepfather. Frank would follow me, watch me, try to control me. Thus the past few months has put me into a PTSD state. It has been incredibly stressful yet also healing. I have always been a very strong person and even more so now. I learned that my intuition is my most valuable gift and I ignored it for months. It kept trying to tell me that Brandon was not for my highest good. Of course there are never any coincidences in life and my meeting him was for a purpose.

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2 thoughts on “Self Worth, Intuition and Stalking

  1. Hertz

    Supposedly people are equipped to be able to identify with someone else who has a similar attitude. This isn’t to say you were a stalker but maybe the person had an old emotional wound that they identified in you. Maybe they were acting out their own defense mechanisms and their need to control from something in their own past; and then slapped a veneer of faith/spirituality on it to give the proposition of “being together” a little more glitter.
    Depression is a tough thing; usually being on the receiving end a lot of things identify: major trust issues, second guessing your own feelings and actions – heck; to the point of inaction, the snowball of despair, and even feeling alone amidst any amount of people. Then the hole digs a little deeper when the person you came to trust was abusing that. I can’t imagine how everything felt, but I have a bit of an idea. My deepest sympathies on the whirlwind of issues you are experiencing, and have experienced in the past 18 months. It’s not a question of inner strength or resolve; things can, will, and do happen… the fact that you are still here, and writing about them is a big deal.

    From previous journal entries, even a layman can tell that you are sharp. The suck about depression is that it alters that rational mind you have, and ignore it. Add in all-but-certifiable PTSD, a predator, and past issues with folks close to you… honestly; I don’t think anyone fault you for never trusting another damn soul on this earth. I can’t say whether this will help or not, but depression hit me hard, and I started retracing old steps. Looking for bonds I had when I was younger. I fell out of communication with a couple old friends from gradeschool days, but we lived close together and even worked together for a few summers. Desperate on my part to call on them, but the bold move paid off. At that point – when it was something I really needed – I didn’t consider whether or not I felt foolish. Now I’m back in touch with a friend on the opposite end of the US.

    I’m sure you are going to get advice by the metric ton, and I’ve already rambled a bit, but you’re going to need someone you can trust. If you’re fresh out of contacts, sometimes you don’t need to start fresh, sometimes you can rewind, and reconsider some old ones. I’m learning to compartmentalize trust: family issues & mental health go to this person, relationships go to that person, day-to-day BS to another person. If you have people already; hey that’s half the battle.

    Give a holler if you want to process through some stuff, or even an uncollected “I hate people.”
    Sometimes we need to get that out.

    Reply
  2. Kris Krieg

    Dharma,

    I just read your first entry and wanted to applaud your courage to share. When I have more time, I’d like to read your other entries also. You have such a beautiful portfolio on Model Mayhem, which thusly means that YOU are quite beautiful too. I don’t get to Florida very often, but if I do, I’ll check to see if you’d be interested in a photo shoot.

    -Kris Krieg

    Reply

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