This was the beginning of ten years of hell. How I endured this period of time still amazes me and is a testament to my strength and courage. It also breaks my heart to know the loneliness I felt for so long.
The one person who showed me kindness while living in this particular home for the three years was my stepbrother, Brian. He also was one of my perpetrators. I recall sitting on the bed with him while he brushed my hair and spoke kindly to me. After he had me fondle and pleasure him. Brian was a teenager at the time. It was not until many years later I discovered his father, Frank, my stepfather had sexually abused him and his sister Denise.
Across the street living in a home made from a chicken lived Sam and his family. Sam was our babysitter and another pedophile. I did’t feel the same affection for Sam that I had for Brian. I found him on sodomizing my brothers on the bathroom floor as I peeked under the door. One evening while he attempted to rape me and was close to succeeding until my mother and Frank arrived home. Another occasion I masturbated both him and Brian, who were around the same age, while sitting on the living room couch. My middle sister shared with me as I have blocked this out of my memory that Sam had me perform sexual acts on my siblings. As you can imagine this is incredibly painful for me to deal with and I understand why I do not remember it.
During the summer I would visit my maternal grandparents and uncles in Canada. While there one summer it was discovered that the abuse with Sam and Brian had taken place. The police were not called but it did stop. Sort of. This is when Frank started to groom me as his victim.
At first he would sit with me in the dark, holding me for long periods of time. Then he would spend time only with me and not my siblings. He took his time garnering my trust. It was not until we were to move into another home when I was 11 years of age did he make his first sexual advance. This memory is quite vivid.
He took me into the room that was to be my bedroom. There was no furniture except for a mattress on the floor. After he had me lay on the mattress he requested I take off my shirt. I could see his sexual excitement and felt both confused and sad. Next he unbuttoned his jeans, taking out his erect penis and began to fondle himself. To enhance his pleasure he asked that I touch my breasts which I had none at that time. He appeared to have no shame in his self pleasure. After he ejaculated I lay there feeling disgusted, like a piece of garbage. I also accepted this was my life.
My solace during the ages of 8 to 11 was spending time in the woods. The house was surrounded by lots of trees and creeks. I would go alone to explore and this is where I discovered my connection to nature. Nobody could hurt me here. In fact, later in life this would be one my greatest resources to healing.
Next blog will be 12 – 18 years of age.